Sex is such a dang joy. When we’re deep in the moment with a partner and things go from hot to sizzling, sometimes it can feel like we’re a deep sea diver, heading straight down, down, down to the final prize all the way at the bottom.
In those moments, pleasure is a pinprick on the map, a goal we’re barrelling towards as fast as we possibly can, knowing that the reward at the end is sweet and oh, so satisfying.
In those spaces of animal urgency, it can feel like nothing will distract us from that final end goal: an explosive orgasm. We work towards it without letting up until both we and our partner(s) have reached that ultimate satisfaction.
But while heading straight for the prize can be nice (quickies in public, anyone?) there’s something to be said about looking at your sex life from a whole new angle. When you surrender to that animal passion of hurtling towards orgasm, you can sometimes lose sight of the finer points of makin’ that sweet love. Rather than treating it like a 5k on paved roads, it’s nice to remember that sex can (and should) be more like a rolling stroll through an unmarked trail.
That’s not to say all slowed-down sex should be vanilla and saccharine with John Mayer playing in the background. Taking your time in bed can involve all kinds of kinky fun: heavy foreplay, impact play, adventurous new toys – and the blessed art of the tease.
Teasing and denial might just be an untapped angle of the bedroom that you haven’t given much time to before. After all, it does seem a little mean to take something away, right? But when you incorporate teasing or denial, you’re building each moment of pleasure, and your partner is experiencing new heights that only you can release them from.
Best of all, sexy teasing and denial are a dream addition to literally everybody’s bedroom game. Whether you’re monogs or solo poly, vanilla or elbows deep in a dom/sub relationship, adding a little tease and denial to your rotation will jettison you and your partners’ pleasure to whole new peaks.
What’s so great about teasing and denial?
While all consensual and passionate time in the sack is a dream, when you incorporate an element of denial into the mix, you awaken a yearning in yourself and your partner that may not be something either of you have experienced before.
Here’s an analogy: think of it like the excitement that builds when your favorite series has a sequel coming out. Although it’s fun to binge read, say, all the books of that fantasy series you love in one go (looking at you, Jacqueline Carey), it’s nice to hum with anticipation and grow more and more eager as you wait for the next book to come out. When it finally, finally comes, you’re about ready to burst as you wonder what’s coming next.
Although sexy teasing doesn’t mean you’ll be waiting anywhere near as long as you do for the next book release, the sentiment is the same. Sure, we can thrust ourselves right into O-town and have those fireworks come in under ten minutes, and yes, the orgasm will still be great and we’ll still be satiated, but after that, it’s done. We tidy up and move on to the next thing. With a little denial peppered in there, we know that orgasm may come, but because we don’t know when, all that pleasure just builds in our body. What was once familiar becomes brand new.
By slowly building up that pleasure, then backing off, you and your partner(s) are building the pressure and the anticipation, drumming up to that final crescendo with no idea if or when it’ll come. That element of surrender helps you both just savor the sensations as they are, without an agenda.
How to tease like a pro
Like with just about anything in the world, it starts with the visuals. You may think that tease begins with bodily touch, but you should start thinking about tease and denial before the clothes even begin to come off. Sure, you may have spent the past decade married, but that doesn’t mean you need to skip the fanfare of stripping down. If you’re starting out fully clothed, take your time getting naked. Strip slowly, have them sit back, and roll your body close to theirs without letting them touch you – unless you guide their hands to the places they’re allowed to fondle.
When you finally take your panties/boxer briefs/undies off, cup your body with your hands to hide what it is they’re eager to see. If you’re feeling extra frisky, let them touch, but not look. By evoking a sense of mystery (even if you brush your teeth naked beside your partner most nights), you’re establishing a sense of anticipation that will infuse itself across your sex life in new and exciting ways.
Once you start kissing and touching one another, the fun has just begun. Rather than going straight between their legs, explore other areas first – like the spaces around common erogenous zones. Graze your fingernails along the inner crease of their thigh, kiss and lick along the neck before reaching their ears, or just barely brush your fingertips along their most tender spots. Your partner will be panting before you even get started.
Once things start heating up and you find yourselves grinding in the bed, take time as you head down south. Linger with your mouth or fingers, and explore new sensations. Give them a taste of the sensations you know they like before pulling back and trying something fresh, like a shock to their system. Graze against their most titillating spots and swirl slowly inward.
If penetration is on the table, teasing and denial come into full limelight. Alternate shallow and deep thrusts, keeping your partner on their toes to not know what to expect. Try nine shallow thrusts and one deep one, then eight shallow and two deep, and so on. By not establishing a clear rhythm, your partner will catch glimpses of heaven – and you’ll be the only thing that can take them there.
Teasing through dirty talk
Teasing and denial don’t just feature in the physical; it’s a prime way to step up your dirty talk game, as well. If you’re like many folks in the sack, you’re probably a little like a dirty talking Woody doll from Toy Story: a handful of select phrases on rotation depending on the moves you whip out.
When you add a little bit of the tease to the mix, you’re suddenly unleashing a whole new world of ways to talk dirty. Asking them to beg, teasing them about what you won’t give them yet (no matter how badly they want it), and telling them all the ways you’ll please them later, are all fair game. Plus, not only is this a great way to add new phrases to your bedroom talk. It’s also just plain and dirty fun.
While you’re holding them back (sometimes literally) from reaching those peaks, even just asking them what they want from you can feel almost illegally sexy. There’s something to be said about your partner’s breathy voice as they tell you aloud exactly what they want.
Try this kind of dirty talk before sex even begins. Establish your teasing and denial fantasy from the get-go and be bold: whisper in their ear that you’ll have them begging for it by the time you’re done.
Feeling shy? Remember to be bold. Things sound silly when you’re self-conscious that sound sexy and dope as hell when you are confident about your delivery. With a little confidence and practice, you can find that this new aspect of dirty talk will add a whole other layer to the sex appeal of the teasing/denial dynamic.
If all of this wets your appetite for more, and you’re eager to take denial to a whole other level, you may want to explore a common dynamic in BDSM spheres: orgasm denial. By bringing your partner to the edge multiple times without letting them orgasm until you decide they can, you are extending their pleasure in a whole new direction.
Orgasm denial can unfold in many different ways. A few popular ways to deny orgasms include…
- Bringing your partner to the brink using one kind of stimulation and then changing technique, speed, or pressure so they don’t orgasm,
- swapping which erogenous zones you stimulate so they get close to orgasm with each different kind of sensation without actually spilling over,
- Restraining your partner so they can’t touch you or themselves to help usher in their orgasm, or
- Stopping all physical contact when they get close, waiting for them to cool down for a moment, and starting back up all over again.
All of these methods work great for orgasm denial, and you can use one or all of them at any given time. How it unfolds is all up to you.
While it may seem at first glance that orgasm denial wouldn’t be pleasurable for you or your partner, it’s actually a potent experience. Because the moments before we orgasm are often overpowering voids that feel like we’re filling with static, bringing your partner to that level over and over again can actually be even more satisfying than a single, anticipated orgasm.
If orgasm denial makes you curious. One way to start exploring it is through some good old masturbation. As you go about your normal routine, stop as soon as you get too close to the edge. Try changing techniques or giving yourself a few seconds off, then diving back in. You may just find you’ve had the best solo sex of your life. If it really gets you going, present the idea to your partner, try it out together, and wait for the magic to unfold.
What you discover may surprise you
As you and your partner explore orgasm denial, you may just find yourself caring less and less about the final prize. Although our culture lauds orgasms as the final frontier, that magic space we all want to reach, the truth is that all the other parts of sex are just as juicy. Yes, orgasms are amazing, but so is the journey of getting there. When you approach each step of sex as another flagstone of divinity, you’ll start to realize there’s no need to worry about crossing some clear finish line.
With orgasm and denial in the mix, don’t be surprised if the sex you and your partner had was so astounding – even if one of you was denied orgasm the entire time – that you’re having sex more often than before. Especially when we’re with our partners for a long time, sex can often feel like a given.
Even when trying new things out, you probably have a clear idea of how your next orgasm will feel; you know your partner’s finest moves. When you tease them, denying them the things they find so familiar and pleasurable, the whole world of sexuality opens up before you. Who knows? You may even uncover some other sexy surprises that get your partner going – like, say, a foot fetish – that you might not have discovered if you hadn’t been playing in denial.
Are you already a seasoned tease? Let us know your number one teasing and denial tips in the comments!
A PDX-based creator, Nikita applies a queer, sex-positive lens to everything she touches, from articles on foot fetishes to new song lyrics. When not delving into the juicy world of sex writing, she can be found working on her novel, making music, busying herself in community theater, or otherwise being a total ham.