If your satisfaction with your sex life has been lackluster, instead of finding a new partner or blaming it on both of you being incompatible in bed, it might be a good idea to learn how to be a better lover instead.
Bad sex doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you or your partner. It simply means that there is plenty of room to learn new things to help you both enjoy sex more. So, here are seven simple tips that will surely help you learn how to be a better lover and start having mind-blowing sex.
Tip #1: Educate Yourself About Sex
Imagine if someone put you in a field and told you to go play football without explaining how to do it or how the game truly works. You might have watched a few seasons of Friday Night Lights, so you might think you know the idea of how American football should be played. However, TV series are scripted and staged, which doesn’t paint the most accurate picture of reality.
In this scenario, you would suck at playing football. You would run around the field, trying to get the ball or throw a ball, because that’s what you vaguely remember hearing from others or seeing on the TV shows. But in the end, you wouldn’t be a good player.
The same idea applies to sex. Unfortunately, most of us lack proper sex ed on the topic and learn about sex from porn or from hearing other people’s experiences. Now, when you don’t spend learning something and mastering the craft, how can you expect to be good at it?
Because of that, your very first step when you’re learning how to be a better lover is to educate yourself on sex and sexuality. Read books, listen to educational sex podcasts and be curious about sex, your body, and your partner’s body in every way you can.
Educating yourself on sexuality and learning how bodies work will help you understand your pleasure better and how to pleasure your partner better. It will also allow you to get rid of false images or opinions about how sex is supposed to be, which will open up many new opportunities to improve your sex life.
Here are a few sex-ed resources you can start with:
Tip #2: Lose the Judgment
Everyone is different, yet everyone is normal when it comes to sex. You might have a vanilla taste in sex, and that’s great. But if your partner’s sexual taste is different from yours, it’s also great. When you’re learning how to be a better lover, start by opening your mind and getting rid of judgment for different sexual needs people have.
Once you start being more accepting of other peoples’ sexual preferences, you’ll find that you’re much kinder to your sexual preferences as well. Now, this is where a door with many new opportunities to make you a better lover opens up.
When you’re in a mindset of being open and accepting, you can start to look into unconventional ways to spice things up in the bedroom. For example, maybe you discover that role-playing looks interesting and sexy for you, and you find that you would love to try it with a partner.
Or, maybe once you get rid of the shame and societal expectations, you find out that you love doing oral sex, and that it turns you on. This can be a discovery that surely can heat things up in the bedroom.
Tip #3: Learn to Communicate
“Rehman and colleagues (2017) found that when couples were independently preparing to discuss any type of non-sexual conflict, they experienced significantly less anxiety than they did when preparing to discuss conflicts or differences related to sexual intimacy or needs,” Dr. Suzanne Degges-White explains. Yes, communicating about sex and your sexual needs with your partner can be hard. But don’t let that stop you. Create a safe space for both of you to share your honest thoughts and feelings.
Just as you communicate over what to eat for dinner, where to go for a vacation, or which sofa to buy, you should also communicate on how to be better lovers. Dr. Degges-White recommends keeping three things in mind when you’re starting to communicate about your needs in the bedroom with your partner:
- Wait for the right moment to start talking about your sex life and what could be better. She explains, “Don’t complain about performance immediately after the curtain closes on a final act in the bedroom. <…> Don’t invite post-coital conflict as it is unlikely to bring about any positive results.”
- Choose your words carefully to avoid making the conversation more uncomfortable than it has to be. Dr. Degges-White explains, “Don’t complain about being “unsatisfied,” but share your desire to enjoy “even more satisfying” sex than you’ve been having.” The tone of the conversation can make or break the outcome of it.
- Give your partner a heads up. Dr. Degges-White suggests telling your partner that you want to have a conversation in advance, giving them time to prepare and get comfortable with the idea.
Tip #4: Don’t Let Your Ego Get in the Way
The goal of learning to be a better lover is to enjoy sex more. The feedback you give your partner or receive from them is there to make everything better, not to claim that either of you is a bad lover.
The same goes for bringing sex toys to the bedroom. If your partner suggests bringing in toys to make sex more enjoyable, don’t take this suggestion as a personal attack on your skills. Humans and sex toys can hardly compete and really shouldn’t.
Sex toys are there to complement our bodies and add extra stimulation when needed, making sex better for everyone involved. If you’re still unsure about your partner bringing in a prostate massager or a rabbit vibrator to the bedroom, opt for a couples massager like Tiani 3 that’s designed specifically with couples’ pleasure in mind.
Tip #5: Pay Attention to Non-Verbal Cues
If you want to know one small detail on how to be a better lover that people often overlook it’s this: paying attention to your partner’s body language to understand what makes them go crazy is sexy. Sure, it can be hard to read someone’s body, and there is always a chance that your partner might be faking their reactions.
However, if you spend enough time paying attention to the non-verbal cues, you’ll start to notice which reactions are real. For example, the little moans and gasps, the way your partner’s muscles tremble and contract when they’re about to orgasm, are something nobody can fake. So, keep an eye and notice those small cues.
Your partner is going to notice your attention to detail. And they’re going to appreciate the fact that you’re attentive to them during sex and are interested in their pleasure.
Tip #6: Sex Doesn’t Stop with Male Orgasm
If you believe the idea that sex ends the moment a man ejaculates, then you’ve got a lot to learn on how to be a better lover. In reality, sex is many things, and it can look very different for different people. And it also doesn’t stop with a male orgasm. Instead, sex ends when both (or all) parties involved are satisfied.
Premature ejaculation is something that men struggle with, and it can impact how long the intercourse lasts. If premature ejaculation is something that you’re struggling with, then there are ways that can help, like orgasm control. But even if you finish before your partner, it doesn’t mean you can’t help them orgasm as well.
If one partner finished before the other during intercourse, you can bring in the toys and help your partner finish. Or, use your hands and fingers instead. Another thing that’ll surely make your partner adore you (if they enjoy it) is finishing them off with oral sex.
And let’s not forget masturbation. Watch your partner while they do it, making it a partnered activity, part of your sex routine. Your partner will enjoy sex with you way more if you don’t leave them to finish off themselves or, worse, leave them without a happy ending.
Tip #7: Aftercare
Good, quality sex consists of three parts
Each and every one of them is equally important for the overall experience. And while we do talk about foreplay, we tend to forget aftercare and what comes once the sex is over.
In the BDSM world, aftercare is practiced after every scene. It’s non-negotiable because both partners experience the drop when all the hormones that made you feel high during the scene return to normal levels. Without aftercare, people can find themselves in very dark places and feeling terrible.
Now, while vanilla sex doesn’t provide the same high and doesn’t involve activities that can have a negative phycological impact afterward, it still involves easing down from the high of the orgasm. So, it also calls for aftercare for the best experience.
Once you’re done, don’t just turn over and go to sleep. Instead, spend some time with your partner, even if five minutes. Cuddle, kiss, have a shower together. Pay attention to them and make them feel loved and appreciated.
Karolina Wilde is a sexual wellness writer. Her work has been published on The Ascent, P.S. I Love You, and Sexography reaching over 25,000+ readers. In her free time, you can find her podcasting, reading, or creating TikTok videos.